http://my.hsj.org/Portals/2/logos/__TFMF_gcjqax55j3zy2145zldgvh45_5746046f-ab3b-43b9-911b-8d4d3a53bd80_0___Selected.jpg en-us Copyright 2008 - All Rights Reserved. Sun, 22 Nov 2009 09:23:29 GMT 15 By Ryan Schuessler
Pretend that you were the only person in the school for six minutes --the time of our passing period. Imagine how far you could walk in six minutes with nobody in the hallways. Unfortunately, this perfect scenario only comes around when, for some strange reason, you’re the only person in the school. For normal days, when 2,000 students and faculty are packed onto the KHS campus, six minutes is hardly enough time to get to class. So why is it easier to move through the halls with nobody there? Well the answer is extraordinarily simple: people aren’t being obnoxious. In response to this problem the students and staff are facing at KHS, I have decided to create a list of ways people are clogging the hallways in hope that maybe, just maybe, they will take notice to their faulty habits and try to make hallway life easier for everyone in the school. 1. Walk faster The hallways are like a highway. If even one car is driving slightly slower than the rest, a backup forms almost instantaneously. People get in accidents. And die. Congratulations, people who walk painfully slow down the west hallway, you’ve just become not only an obnoxious nuisance, but you have made some people late to class. Some of us have to book it from the far end of the math building to get to art. If simply walking at an average speed is too hard for you to do, then I would see a doctor and start exercising  because you’re clearly out of shape and need some soon. 2. Don’t Congregate The hallways are like a person’s arteries. When cholesterol builds up in one’s veins, guess what happens: they have a heart attack. And die. Congratulations, people who decide to form random clumps in the middle of the east hallway (freshmen), you have personally taken a hand in making the rest of the student body look down upon your grade. If you want to take six minutes to gossip about how incredibly awesome you are and how awesome Gossip Girl was last night and how awesome your awesome boyfriend is, please, take it somewhere other than in the middle of everyone’s way. 3. Don’t walk in horizontal lines The hallways are like your respiratory system. When one swallows something that’s just too big and it “goes down the wrong pipe,” one starts to choke. And dies. Congratulations, groups of people who decided it’s okay to walk in horizontal lines, you stretch across the whole hallway and disrupt the other direction of commute. I’m sorry that you may not get to hear the discussion going on with the rest of your friends, but I’m sure it can wait. Frankly, I don’t really care, and I assume others don’t either. In your desperate attempt to be included, you have just excommunicated yourself from the respect of the student body. 4. Don’t push The hallways are like department stores on Black Friday. When there are large crowds of people heading in one direction, and someone is a little more anxious than others, they start pushing. People fall and get trampled. And die. Congratulations, people who are  arrogant enough to think they have the right to resort to violence when someone in front of you isn’t walking the way you want. Also congratulations to people who decide to sprint as fast as they can in the halls and mowing down anyone in their way. Both of you have just brought a grudge onto yourself from another person. I don’t care if you friend just took your hat and ran away, or if I’m walking too close to you. For God’s sake, we are not a bunch of cavemen running around hitting each other when something goes wrong. Be civilized. 5. Shut up The hallways are like a crowded city. When there is a lot of noise, people get headaches. Their brains become stressed and then have an aneurysm. And die. Congratulations, people who don’t care if they yell at the top of their lungs down the hallway or want to lay down their “beat” while banging on the lockers, you’ve just created an unpleasant atmosphere which will lead to an unpleasant day for everyone. Yes, you’re mad. Yes, you need some lotion. Yes, you’re excited to see your friend you haven’t seen for 15 minutes. And yes, we don’t care. I’m happy that you are so passionate about life, but please withhold your excitement about something that most likely isn’t even a big deal. If you don’t, we may get excited too. Oh wait ... So here are some things you can improve on, obnoxious people. Your arrogance and self-obsession has annoyed a lot of people. Was that what you wanted? Attention? If it was, bravo. You’re sure good at finding ways to get it. Next, maybe you can start rebuilding your pride. ]]> Thu, 11 Dec 2008 20:15:37 GMT