The Play’s the Thing! Ever been accused of bad writing? There is a contest for you, called the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, out of San Jose, California. The contest calls for the opening sentence to a bad novel (you don’t have to write the book, just the first, terrible sentence). Below are some of last year’s winners and runners up, as well as some entries to the Cougar Hi-Lites own bad writing contest. As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered the bloody knife and eyed the various body parts strewn along the dark, deserted highway, he placed his ear to the ground and, with his heart in his throat, silently mouthed to his companion, “Arm yourself, Watson, there is an evil hand afoot ahead. Dennis Pearce Lexington, KY The band of pre-humans departed the cave in search of solace from the omnipresent dangers found there knowing that it meant survival of their kind, though they probably didn't understand it intellectually since their brains were so small and undeveloped but fundamentally they understood that they didn't like big animals that ate them. Mike Mayfield Austin, TX He walked into the bar and bristled when all eyes fell upon him -- perhaps because his build was so short and so wide, or maybe it was the odor that lingered about him from so many days and nights spent in the wilds, but it may just have been because no one had ever seen a porcupine in a bar before. Linda Boatright Omaha, NE She walked into my office wearing a body that would make a man write bad checks, but in this paperless age you would first have to obtain her ABA Routing Transit Number and Account Number and then disable your own Overdraft Protection in order to do so. Steve Lynch San Marcos, CA Carl slit open the envelope with the antique letter opener, much the way a velociraptor would have slit open its prey, with gusto, animal glee and a hunger to get at the juicy insides, though what dinosaur would have the brains, he smuggly thought, to use them to blackmail the CEO of the company? -Anon. “Judas Priest, my eye—that music was Blue Oyster Cult’s Godzilla, and anyone who doesn’t know the difference is an idiot, like my boyfriend, who thinks that Valentine’s Day is in May, the month of weddings—or is that June?” she mused. –Anon. Winning entries to the Hi-Lites’ contest will be drawn in late May. Enter your own opening sentence to a bad novel by dropping it off, with your name, at the Little Miss Know it All box in the office, or to Mrs. Winship.