(Author’s Note: Any jokes directed toward midgets or important U.S. holidays should not be taken seriously in any way and any advice offered about zombies will likely get you killed in a markedly disgusting manner. Read this article only if you have absolutely nothing else going on in your life, and do not let what friends you have see that you are reading it, or they will immediately judge you as a worthless loser and will very likely cease to hang out with you.)

As we leave the holiday season and Valentine’s Day passes, I’m sure the same thing is on everyone’s mind. I am sure of this because it is on my mind and I choose to believe that whatever I happen to be thinking of is what everyone else in the known world should be thinking of.

In any case, what we are all thinking of is as follows: why do we have all of these useless holidays? This is a topic I have discussed in great detail in my previous articles, but I believe that I must continue to beat the dead horse, partially to drive my point home and partially to fill this great void space on the Humor page so that my editor will stop shouting at me.

Holidays have long been an enemy of the Humor Department, mostly because we are mean and heartless people. Anyhow, it has recently occurred to us that rather than try to abolish these abhorrent festivities, we should focus our efforts into trying to convert them into celebrations which further the Humor Department’s agenda.

So, now that we’ve settled that and everyone agrees, all we have to do is decide what holidays to change and what should be done with them. I think we can safely say that all of the holidays need modification or complete replacement. So, the lone question remaining is what is to be done with all of these wayward holidays.

The first holiday which must be changed is Valentine’s Day. This is not because of any particularly egregious transgression on the part of this holiday but merely due to its pressing nature upon us. This holiday is meant to make those who are in relationships feel wonderful and romantic and to leave those who are not feeling like absolute donkeys, worthless plebs, incapable of any sort of vindication.

It is filled with roses and little sugar-hearts reading "kiss me" and "Be my Valentine." Currently, as a member of the single side of this particular coin, I feel that I should take an attitude diametrically opposed to all things Valentine.

We need to change this holiday to something more in line with Humor Department views and practices. But how? I’ll tell you how: Zombie Awareness Day. As of right now the public is still sorely lacking in preparedness for the zombie apocalypse; overwhelmingly, people seem not to care or simply to be entirely ignorant of the Humor Department’s efforts toward zombie education.

We need a day where people can learn what to do in a variety of zombie-related situations. For example, what to do with the invariable pro-wrestler zombie who seems impervious to repeated shotgun blasts to the head, what to do if the zombies seem to be gaining intelligence, and perhaps most importantly, the mechanics of killing zombies via helicopter. Now that we’ve got that sorted out, let’s move on to the more distant and offensive holidays.

Labor Day is a holiday which has long confused me. If anyone has any information whatsoever on what this holiday celebrates, please contact us immediately via the Humor Department hotline. All that we have been able to dig up after an exhaustive investigation is that the day has something or other to do with labor. While this was a long and costly process consisting of typing the words "Labor Day" into Google and scrolling down the first page of links, we believe that more information is required before we can entirely condemn this holiday. However, we have prepped several suggestions as to what could be done with the holiday were it to be condemned.

First would of course be to have a Leprechaun Awareness Day in which stilts could be distributed to the vertically challenged or separate communities could be set aside for those deemed too short by the public. In any case, something needs to be done, for too long have these diminutive men and women plagued us with their mischievous frolicsomeness. The shenanigans must stop and I believe Leprechaun Awareness Day could be the perfect platform to effect such a change.

Other suggestions include Greg Kremer is a Genius Day, where everyone would celebrate how much of a genius Greg Kremer is to support the Humor Department goal of worshipping Greg Kremer; Jetpack Development Day, where everyone tries to build a working jetpack over the course of the day to support the Humor Department’s goal of getting a jetpack for every member of our staff; and Free Pizza Day, where all pizza distribution facilities would be forced to give away pizzas free of charge to support the Humor Department’s goal of eating pizza whenever possible. To get a full list of the possible Labor Day replacement holidays please call the Humor Department hotline and we will promptly ignore your call.

Anyhow, get creative Hanover. Brainstorm some ideas and just make your holidays into whatever you want. Christmas could be: Make Large Donations to The Humor Department, all Checks Should be Made out to Cash, all Dollar Amounts Should be Left Blank; Don’t Worry About it We’ll Take Care of it Day. Thanksgiving could be Eat Turkey/Pack Briefcases Full of Money and Bring Them to the Humor Department Office Day.

Be original, Hanover, and remember the Humor Department’s motto: "Give us money or else." Please make all donation checks payable to "cash. "