Are you ridiculously rich? Have you been bitten by a radioactive bug? Do you work for a newspaper? Do you like wearing your underwear outside of your pants? If you answered yes to any of these questions, CONGRATULATIONS! You’re qualified to become a superhero! You’re on your way to your own comic! First, let’s give you a few pointers on how to start off.      
    1^st  Step: Get Superpowers (or some high-end technology to enhance your abilities)

  Every superhero has something that makes them special. Some heroes have powers while some have fancy-shmancy gadgets. Some have some mystical artifact while some just have basic martial arts training. The most painful, but effective way to gain superpowers is jumping into a vat of unidentifiable radioactive goop. 
    
    2^nd Step: Location, Location, Location…

Move to a crime-infested area such as New York or Detroit…maybe even Washington DC, but make sure it has dark alleyways, really rich people, and enough skyscrapers to make a personal obstacle course out of.

    3^rd Step: Become infatuated with an attractive person that everyone in the city seems to think is attractive, but to the rest of the world, is not [attractive]. This step is also known as “Exclusive Attraction”.

Fall in love with a woman/man with a weird name (preferably an alliteration; example: Lois Lane). If he/she’s the daughter/son of the police chief or your boss, bonus points! If he/she’s in love with your best friend, thus creating ridiculous bouts of awkward tension, even better. If you are not a reporter, make sure he/she is! Someone has to report on your many adventures and try to discover your true identity.
    
    4^th Step: Choose a Weakness

Every superhero has a weakness. You’ll need one. It’s best if this weakness is something obscure but conveniently easy for your nemesis(es) to locate. Items like this could be: radioactive pieces of your home planet; your own weapons; the aforementioned love; a certain color… like yellow; or “Twilight”, the book series. If all else fails, recreate Spider Man 3 and resort to your inner evil of dancing in the street; although this weakness is not very impressive, and you WILL look like an idiot when you dance, just don’t wear spandex.  

    5^th Step: Makeover!

Okay, some people can pull this off by just parting their hair to the other side and removing glasses. Some put on a mask and make witty puns. Some combine all of this together and then ask Adam West to portray them later on in a terrible spoof series. Regardless of your preference, you need to have some sort of costume. Most just wear tights and their underwear on the outside. Also, no capes are allowed. People get sucked into tornadoes, bicycle spokes, jet turbines, etc. (see: The Incredibles). Next, you need a mask. Make it out of something that sticks to your face no matter what happens. Glue it onto your face (if necessary), but no matter what, your identity is the most important thing. That brings us to step six.

     6^th Step: Choose Your Alternate Ego (or Your Superhero Name)

You need to have a new identity… kinda like what those guys do in those shady buildings in the bad side of town. They give you those cards with different names on them, you know, the fake ideas. Your superhero name has to be something like “Super Cool Awesome Bat Thing Boy Dude” or “Butch”. Preferably something with a theme to it that your fans can make t-shirts out of. 

    7^th Step: Save Someone (or bake a cake)

All superheroes need fans. How do you get fans? The first option is to save someone. Then they’ll love you forever. The best thing to do is find a highly-populated area and perform an epic, slow-motion battle scene with your nemesis of choice. This way, you ‘accidently’ gain yourself an audience while you dominate your nemesis and save some innocent bystander at the same time (the best choice of bystander would be that exclusively attractive person, or a nerdy journalist with a camera). The second option is to BAKE A CAKE! Everybody loves cake, except for those people who don’t.  So, for those people that do (not for those that don’t), bake them a cake. Everybody loves cake, except for those that don’t. So, for those people that do (not for those that don’t), bake them a cake. Did that feel like déjà vu to you? It did to me. 

    8th Step  and a Half: Find A Sidekick

You know in the old Batman series with Adam West and Burt Ward where they made Batman a joke and Robin more of a joke than he already was? You need someone like that. See, when you hang around unintelligent people, and you aren’t AS unintelligent as they are, you look smart. So, through this property of Heroism, once you have a geeky sidekick, you look smart and ten times cooler. Eventually, though, he will get his own spin-off series when he gets older, and he’ll look 100 times better than you ever did.

    9^th Step:  After Garnering a Significant Amount of Diehard Fans and Stalkers, You Need to Get Yourself a Comic Book

Every good superhero has a comic made about them. First, you’re gonna need to choose which side you’ll join, the Awesome Marvel Crew, or those DC Hipsters. DC will end up reincarnating you so many times, you won’t come back the same person. And don’t even get me started on the Alternate Universes. Well, true, Marvel has those too, but it’s cooler when Marvel does all of those things. But I digress. Regardless, you’re gonna need to go with Marvel. Don’t even consider DC Comics.

    10^th Step: Popcorn and Steak! Movie Time!

    When you’re a superhero, you need a movie about you that completely distorts your origin and your entire superhero life. And it’ll make you look weaker than you already are. There are many ways to go about getting a movie made about yourself, just ask Justin Bieber. You need to find a valiant movie producer, one whom can traverse the seas of criticism and still come out with his dignity. In other words, not James Cameron. Another company you never want to sign with is Disney. You’ll end up in a show with canned laughter. Somewhere along the line, you’ll end up singing.                                                                                                 

    So in conclusion, these are all of the steps you need in becoming a superhero. Follow all of these and you’ll be an A (or B) grade superhero- or you’ll just be some insane freak running around town trying to prevent ridiculous crimes that could otherwise be stopped by the police. So good luck, and may the force be with you.

    Alfred’s Note: This story is dying and we need your help! Each day, a story dies of hunger, but you can help it! Go to my.hsj.org/arlington/tx/gpatoday and read our stories today!