It’s the most wonderful time of the year. The sun is out, the birds are chirping and school is over. The summer is a time for kicking back, relaxing and, of course, going to the movies! I mean, what could be better than escaping the heat in a dark, air-conditioned room watching Harry Potter battle Lord Voldemort yet again? Nothing. Still there are those who would cringe at the mere thought of two and a half hours of Hogwarts hijinks. So I have complied this list of 5 varying tastes of movies ranging from the gore laden horrors of Eli Roth’s Hostel: Part II to the musical horrors of John Travolta in drag.



OCEAN’S THIRTEEN

Starring: George Clooney

Brad Pitt

Matt Damon

Director: Steven Soderbergh

After the extreme success of Ocean’s Eleven and the somewhat predictable upset that was Ocean’s Twelve, Ocean’s Thirteen due out June 8th is more than just a movie; it’s a chance for Clooney and Soderbergh to prove to the world, and more importantly the critics, that they are neither lazy nor self-indulgent. Soderbergh even joked that the film should be called Ocean’s: The One We Should Have Made Last Time. With an all star cast (Al Pacino, Elliott Gould, Andy Garcia, Don Cheadle) and cult following, Ocean’s Thirteen is cautionary tale of revenge. Willie Banks (Al Pacino) is a casino owner who cheats Reuben Tishkoff (Elliot Gould), one of the original eleven, out of his share. So Danny Ocean (George Clooney) rounds up the team and makes sure that Banks goes down in flames.

Even with another potential disaster on our hands the movie will inevitably make it big at the box office. Boys will be happy seeing as, according to Dane Cook, no man can resist a heist and the ladies will surely shell out the ten bucks to simply ogle at George Clooney and Brad Pitt for an hour or two.



HOSTEL: PART II

Starring: Lauren German

Bijou Phillips

Heather Matarazzo

Director: Eli Roth

Another sequel is also hitting theaters on June 8th, albeit a blood-spattered sequel but a sequel nonetheless. Only two years ago, Eli Roth, a virtual unknown, scored $47 million with Hostel, a disturbing tale a 3 tourists tortured by strangers who paid to do so. Now, Hostel: Part II delves deeper into the lives of those inflicting the torture and promises even more gore and more girls than the last as the torturees are played by women, including Heather Matarazzo (remember Lily, Mia’s best friend from the Princess Diaries?)

Sadly, this flick, ravaged with sadism and terror will probably make millions off a little fake blood and excessive nudity. Debauchees rejoice.



HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX

Staring: Daniel Radcliffe

Rupert Grint

Emma Watson

Director: David Yates

As millions of readers (myself included) await anxiously for the seventh and final Harry Potter novel (out July 21st), they’ll have the fifth movie (out July 13th) to distract them. The regular cast is all there with a few newcomers such as Imelda Staunton (last seen in this years Freedom Writers) and Helena Bonham Carter as the equally devilish Dolores Umbridge and Bellatrix Lestrange, respectively. Another newcomer is British director David Yates whose predecessors include Mike Newell, Alfonso Cuarón and Chris Columbus. A TV vet with no major Hollywood films on his resume, Yates was offered the position after both Mike Newell and Mira Nair passed.

For a franchise that’s already pulled in $3.5 billion worldwide, there’s no doubt that Phoenix will kill at the box office.

HAIRSPRAY

Starring: John Travolta

Nikki Blonsky

Christopher Walken

Director: Adam Shankman

In his first singing role since 1978’s Grease, the 53-year-old Travolta dons the infamous female fat suit in this film (out July 20th) modeled after the stage show, not John Waters’ original 1988 film. Another all star cast including Michelle Pfeiffer, Queen Latifah, Amanda Bynes and Zac Efron, Hairspray is about an early-19060’s Baltimore housewife (Travolta) whose plump teen daughter (Blonsky) is determined to integrate a local TV dance show.

Although movie musicals are a delicate subject, one that isn’t really embraced by the general public, it’s numerous stars might just be enough to seduce moviegoers. And if all else fails maybe people will come to simply revel in the fact that John Travolta is dressed up as a woman.

THE SIMPSONS MOVIE

Starring: Dan Castellaneta

Hank Azaria

Nancy Cartwright

Director: David Silverman

On July 27th, millions of adoring fanatics will flock to their local theaters awaiting the moment when the lights dim and the room quiets and The Simpsons Movie finally begins. Due to some confusing trailers many questions and speculations have been sparked about the upcoming film. Dog sleds? Missiles? And why the hell is Bart skateboarding in the nude? Still the films execs have been keeping very quiet about the movie’s plot.

If anything all this secrecy will only fuel the fire on this already infamous film. The cult fan base alone is enough to ensure a summer blockbuster du jour.