Hello, adoring public. *applause*

Right, this is the beginning of a series of witty commentary, bitter diatribes, and whatever I allow to sneak in without my knowing. This column, as a key rule, is not limited to any one specific topic. I might talk about anything from politics, to current events and/or to my dissatisfaction with the world in general. Anyway: enough appetizers, on to the entrée.

Water. What was the first thing that came to mind when you saw that? Some of you might picture serene pools of azure blue, pristine h20, nature’s own flavorless colorless beneficial beverage. But I think of other words, like Aquafina, and Dasani. These are all names of brands of bottled water, (or as I have dubbed it, the most evil substance in the known world). The reason I associate water with evil is this little known fact: Bottled water companies are plotting to kill old people. Some of you might be thinking “what illegal substances is this dude ingesting?” But I believe my thoughts are justified. Some of you might have noticed, especially those light in frame, that water bottles have gradually gotten harder, and HARDER to open. “But this is just one thing-- that’s not enough proof!” you might say. But I know why the bottled water companies would try to kill the elderly: There is criticism for bottled water, that it takes more water from aquifers then is naturally replenished, and that the fossil fuels used to transport water are hurting the atmosphere. Who would remember the time before bottled water and harmful car fumes? The elderly. Case Closed.