The earth shook on Tuesday, January 31, as the Secret Service began investigating a serious threat to national security.
What had they found?
A hidden al Qaeda operative, incognito as a God-fearing American?
The next Unabomber, squirreled away in a cabin somewhere?
Had they finally captured Osama Bin Laden within our very borders?
No, the Secret Service had done none of these things; it had, however, opened a federal inquiry upon a
7th-grader at a West Warwick middle school. The child, whose name has not been released to the press and who is, reportedly, between the ages of 11 and 13, submitted a questionable essay that Tuesday morning.
The essay, one handwritten page describing the student’s idea of a perfect day, included threatening insinuations against President Bush, as well as against the leaders of several American corporations.
Described by the Providence Journal as “rambling, anti-Bush, anti-corporate screed,” the paper makes no explicit plans for carrying out an attack or an assassination. It is, instead, what one would expect from a fearful juvenile boy: an incoherent rant involving, among other things, “threats to murder Oprah Winfrey and attack a Walgreen’s,” alongside multiple references to “retards.”
The work of a criminal mastermind? Hardly.
Perhaps this young man is troubled, but this is an issue for a guidance counselor or a psychologist--not the Secret Service.
With the federal government rearing its ugly head to interfere with so trivial an issue, I have to wonder, what’s next? Shall our bumbling president declare war upon every insecure middle school student who infuses his work with punk-rock rebellion and comic book violence?
Will the government target teenage angst as a new type of terrorism? Being within such close proximity to the scene of the crime, we at Cumberland High should watch our
backs--one slip of the tongue or the pen, and we are liable to be pinned as a national hazard.
For this amazing progression in the never-ending debacle of national safety, I must once again thank Secretary Michael Chertoff, that saucy minx, and the rest of my homeboys at the Department of Homeland Security. Since its creation in 2002, the Department has tried its blue-ribbon best to defend our proud country from all evil--both within and outside of its borders.
This department is responsible for keeping known miscreants in check--for example, Cat Stevens, legendary pacifist, chairman of Small Kindness aid charity, and composer of the hippie mantra “Peace Train”, was recently banned from entering the country. With gems such as this in its impressive history, it’s a small wonder the department has had the insight to pursue the real terrorists: children!