When I was younger, my Uncle Todd was a mystery to me. I only had a vague idea what of he looked like from the pictures I saw of him, but they were faded and creased. In those pictures, he mostly wore huge Wrangler jeans with red and yellow striped suspenders and big black Harley Davidson work boots. His curly hair always was sticking out everywhere and his face was unshaven. Besides what he looked like when he was nineteen, all of the other information I knew about him was caught from snippets of conversation.

Todd broke my grandparents' hearts when he got into a bar fight and killed someone, but he had been breaking their hearts long before that. He asked for money and they gave it so he wouldn’t smash holes in their walls. Not a very pretty picture, but it was something to fill the void when his name was mentioned. I hate to admit it, but I was afraid that one night he would come to the house and steal everything. So that was how I pictured him up until two years ago.  

That was when Todd fell on hard times, but instead of living in a dumpster like he would have before, he wanted to pay rent. So my Aunt Gail and my Uncle Keith let him move in. Gail and Keith have no children. Their lives are quiet and almost perfect. When my family goes to see them, it still amazes me how different our life on a farm is from their life in the city.

 The first time I met Todd, Gail and Keith had returned with  my two brothers and me from the movies, and he was sleeping on the couch. We decided to play a DVD so we put a disk in the player and turned it on. The TV came to life and with the around sound speakers on full blast, they played the opening music. Todd, from his snoring slumber, leaped up, eyes wide, ready to roundhouse kick the first person he saw.

This was the first time I ever really paid attention to what he looked like. He wore an old cut-off T-shirt like the ones my dad and all his friends wore. It was white and had stains from a combination of being a laborer and over-use. His hair was gray, frizzy, flyaway, and it looked like it had been chopped off by wood chuck. He had a lot more scars than he had in the pictures I saw; I mostly noticed the ones on his face. He hadn’t lost the overly large jeans, but at least he no longer wore suspenders. 

His arms quickly relaxed when he saw where he was and he sat back down. I met him about three times this way. Not the jumping up because of loud music kind of way, but in the at Gail and Keith’s house kind of way. Whenever I did, the air just breathed tension and the more time that passed, the heavier the breathing became. At this point, I still relied on other conversations. “I think he is still using drugs.” “He never calls when he is gone all weekend and he comes back with all his money gone, so tired he can sleep for days.” “He doesn’t have anything to do here; he needs a job.” I still really don’t know if it was all true or not. I am just telling you the facts. I do know that both parties were unhappy with the situation from the start. They both were very considerate of the other most of the time, but it was never comfortable. 

Two things happened in this time period, but I can’t remember when. First Todd’s dog, Annie Muffin, got kicked out of his girlfriend’s house.  Sandy and Todd had been living together for quite some time and the whole reason that Todd was living with Gail and Keith was because Sandy started to drink again. Sandy drinking meant she was passed out on the couch half the time and she couldn’t keep a job going. From many descriptions  Todd had given me of Sandy, all you need to know is that she is a very mean drunk. So because Gail is allergic to dogs, Annie came to stay with us.

I remember the day Annie Muffin came was the first time I saw a man cry. He really does love that dog. At the time, he probably thought we locked our dogs in a cramped kennel and forgot to feed them for days at a time. I was so excited, though, I was kind of oblivious to his sadness. I put her leash, shampoo, and special doggy treats under the kitchen sink. He told us that she barely shed, she would find her leash when she needed to go out, and she was deathly afraid of thunderstorms. This was the dog of my dreams!

The second thing that happened was Todd getting laid off.  My dad gets laid off almost every winter now with the economy and all, but he always gets unemployment so we scrape through.  He also knows to expect it so he saves a bit for the times we can't live on around four hundred dollars a week.  Todd isn't the same with money; he never has been.  He simply stopped paying his rent.  That was probably the final straw:  Todd was kicked out of Gail and Keith's.

I don’t know how many times I would knock on the basement door and ask if I could come down and watch TV with him, when my dad was yelling, when my mom cried, or when there wasn’t anything else to do. Any time I didn’t understand my parents or siblings. I guess he was just someone to talk to because he didn’t judge. He was a “grown-up” with almost worse morals than mine.  He didn’t really help me, but when he told me about all of his problems, I couldn’t help him either. Todd had I don’t know how many daughters and he knew how to act with me.  We would just smile, nod, and make a few comments for each other. Then we would both take our places. I would always wrap myself up in my own blanket and sit at the very end of his bed, leaning against a wooden beam. He would lie down wrapped in his blanket, his feet towards me and Annie Muffin lying in-between. It was a nice fit.

It was kind of odd with Todd and my dad telling me their problems because their biggest one was always the other. I agreed with both of them about their thoughts on the other because they were both right.  The problem was they never saw the good in one another. When both of them were arguing and I overheard, they always wanted me to side with them though my dad would actually ask me what I thought. What was I supposed to say? I took my dad’s side when I had to take a side because I knew it was helpless to try to make them see eye to eye.  Todd realized why I had to take my dad’s side, mostly though, I just kept quiet. 

Like I mentioned before Todd had a few daughters and I could tell he really missed them. I think he kind of replaced all of them with me because that is all he had. Every day he spread his arms wide and wrapped me in a hug. He doted on me as much as he could, buying me a candy bar or pop from the gas station. He would give me earrings and little trinkets. Because he really couldn’t give me even that very often, he would talk.  e would talk and he would laugh. It is really hard to describe his laugh. It is more like a guffaw, loud, and he gets this huge smile and he throws his head back. Even as I describe it now I realize I am forgetting.

Some of the things that Gail and Keith said were true. Sometimes he did leave for days and days without telling us and he did come back looking like had just gone through hell, but most of the time he just tried to visit Sandy. My theory is that he was and still is madly in love with an alcoholic that doesn’t love him back. It is really sad, actually.  It always makes me mad when I think about her. I can’t help myself. I know Todd has his problems, but he gave her everything: a house, food, care for her daughters, and the moment he left ,she squandered it all. 

This is probably one of the many reasons he struggled with depression on and off while he was here, but I think it would have been worse at Gail and Keith’s because there he would have had nothing to do. Here he helped run the farm, and even though he was just a replacement for me in many jobs, I think he felt somewhat fulfilled. I remember the first time he saw a new born calf on our farm. His face was precious; for a moment I could really see through all the hard outer edges, the problems, the stress, the need to be manly. Under it was just the amazement that even in snow mixed with mud, this calf could be licked perfectly clean with a glossy new coat sucking the udder for milk. I have always wished my dad could see that side of him. Maybe then he would understand.

That spring like usual, my dad’s boss found more work so my dad went back and Todd was left behind. The few jobs he did find either never paid him or were only for a few days and paid very little. He always came home depressed and tired.  When he came back, instead of getting back into his old routine, he would stay curled up on his bed yelling at the dogs if they scratched to get out. Even I didn’t go down to see him. Then one morning after he got back late at night, my dad decided to clean. This always puts my dad in a bad mood and Todd already was in one so when my dad went to clean the basement there, of course, was a fight. I have rarely seen him since. 

Todd affected me in good ways and bad. He made me realize how good of a life I had and how different my parents could act. He didn’t show me how not to act. He helped me decide how I wanted to act. He taught me many things and I taught him some. The one thing I really wish is to know how I affected him. He was different when he left from when he came, though that doesn’t mean I am the one who changed him. He left in such a rush, I have too many questions left unanswered.