Dishes? Hey, I did them last night! It’s your turn! All right, all right, I’ll clear the stinking table…no, I don’t want to eat that. I told you not to get it…throw it out if you can’t finish it.

Hey, smarty pants, remember that guy I was telling you about? You know, the one I like…yeah, the one from my Chem class. Remember that brilliant advice you gave me about how to express my undying love—by covertly sending him an anonymously labeled package of chocolates?…You don’t remember? Maybe this frying pan will jog your memory…that’s what I thought—you’d better remember. Anyway, I secretly passed it along to him by giving the chocolates to my friend, who gave it to your buddy Ricky, who left it in the cafeteria for the janitor to give to my Chem teacher, who was going to have the main office page him down—so he wouldn’t know who actually sent it to him. The upshot of that? He never got the whole package. I think Ricky wanted one of the peanut butter chocolate cups and he opened the package (the pillaging fiend) and he left the half-eaten chocolates for the janitor, who accidentally sat on them before he gave it to my Chem teacher.

What do you mean, so what happened? Use your imagination!…Cut the water; you’re wasting it like crazy. Mom’ll kill us if the water bill goes up any more after that stupid water fight last week…Huh? Oh, yeah, I’m not finished yet. So anyway, my darling Romeo—for pity’s sake, I’m being sarcastic. Anyway, you want me to remind you what you called Helena yesterday? Ha! Now stop talking and listen!—anyway, he ended up getting a squashed, half-eaten package of peanut butter chocolates…Of course he was mad! And guess who was next to him when it got them, too? My archrival, Lucy Jones!…Ew, no, she is not that hott! She’s insane—she’s hell bent on routing me out of Romeo’s heart and usurping my throne there!

Well, she somehow manipulated him into hating me! I guess she knew who the package was from—and she told him! She lied and told him I gave the package like that to him on purpose because I was trying to embarrass him! Okay, tell me how a squashed package is going to embarrass him if nobody knows who sent it but me?…What, you thought Lucy Jones was some sort of serene angel? Ha! Her duplicitous mask deceives even you!

Anyway, she told him I had had a crush on him since seventh grade and that I was trying to get back at him because he started going out with his now ex-girlfriend when I kinda asked him out to the Valentine’s Dance two years ago. That quickly undermined any good feelings he had toward me. And then she asked him out and he actually said yes! Tell me how he says yes to an ugly warthog like her!

Oh, and you know what? I think she started rumors about me. The guys in my Chem class started singing about squashed chocolates and girls who are stupid enough to send them…of course I have you to thank for that, genius! And that jerk I liked at one point started laughing! That’s one way to supplant any love in my heart! And what’s worse, my wonderful exploit is now known throughout the school! Like I said, thanks for your advice!

Hey, I said cut the water! Don’t you even know how to wash dishes?