Taurus April 20-May 20
Saturn rising over your sign this month points to an economic windfall heading your way. This windfall, however, will come with hurricane force winds and driving rain, which will force you and your newfound fortune hundreds of miles into the Pacific Ocean.

Gemini May 21-June 20
Those feelings of butterflies in your stomach are the result of having ingested a caterpillar in your lunch. THe surgery you will undergo will be botched, and instead of having them removed, your surgeon will graft butterfly wings to your back.

Cancer June 21-July 22
You will finally get that satisfaction of making your family proud when you surprise them and yourself with your ability to play the national anthem through one unclogged nasal passageway and a bongo.

Leo July 23-August 22
You will be accepted to the college of your choice, but will not complete your degree due to the fiery wrath of Mayan god Yokte Boton, who will snuff out all civilization in the apocalypse of 2012. On the plus side, you will have clean laundry for the occasion.

Virgo August 23-September 22
No prediction about the future, no matter how possibly terrific or horrible, will stop you from going home today and wasting countless hours as a spell-wielding elf in World of Warcraft.

Libra September 23-October 22
The excitement you feel over being able to prove the existence of Sasquatch will be overshadowed only by the sad realization that the hirsute, reclusive mammal is you.

Scorpio October 23-November 21
Your wit and charm will be the envy of all you meet, and propel you toward a meaningful professional and social life. According to your mom, that is.

Sagittarius November 22-December 21
Your struggles in math class will finally come to an end this month when Mr. Walton asks you to leave class and never return.

Capricorn December 22-January 19
Your dreams of fame are going to come true this month when your name becomes a popular insult on urbandictionary.com

Aquarius January 20-February 18
A laser hair removal accident this summer will result in an unwelcome baldness in a place that you did not intend.

Pisces February 19-March 20
Twenty years from now, as you consider enrolling your children in the state university of Ecuador, you will admonish them about how important it is to get to the airport at least two hours before the flight is scheduled to depart.