Last Friday morning, Julie Norton, Lili Mo, Yuling Lok, Gatheru Giteau and I set out to attend TUMUC, the Towson University Model United Nations Conference. It was my first Model UN trip, and I was apprehensive; public speaking after all has never been one of my favorite pastimes. Neha Sastry, our club president, had abandoned us—actually, she had gone with her family to see a dance competition in New York—and I felt utterly unprepared. I was sure I would humiliate myself, and my teammate. I would stutter, or forget which country I was representing, or insult someone in an argument (something I’ve been known to do). I was terrified. But, in the end, it all worked out...although not everyone appreciated my group’s ‘spirited’ approach.
You see, each school that attends the conference works in teams. Yuling and Julie were to represent El Salvador; poor Lili (as Neha’s ill-fated partner) was forced to embody France all by her lonesome; Gatheru and I were Yemen. Almost every nation that participates in the UN was represented, which adds up to over a hundred kids from all over the Baltimore Country area. Some took their roles more seriously than others. North Korea, for example, did a brilliant job demonstrating their nation’s uncooperative disposition. Sweden on the other hand accurately portrayed themselves as a peaceful and equality-minded nation. And Pakistan dutifully illustrated their country’s stupidity...or maybe that was just the students.
The conference kicked off with the reading of Preliminary Statements, one for each nation, which would make what they hoped to accomplish at Towson known to all. Gatheru, fortunately, offered to go up to the podium when Yemen was summoned. He briefly spoke on our desire to improve health conditions, women’s rights and the lives of children, children being the theme of this year’s conference. Then his snarky side came out. “Let’s be honest,” he said (mind you, I’m paraphrasing). “Yemen needs terrorism to support its economy.” Oh God, I thought. The other nations were beginning to look a little uncomfortable. “Ask not what the Taliban can do for your children,” Gatheru finished, “but what your children can do for the Taliban.” Thus, Yemen made its presence known.
After the Preliminary statements, proposals began. A nation would request to approach the podium—via a note sent to the Chair, which featured ex-Kenwood teacher Mr. Carney—and then present their idea for a new program, or law, or policy. Meanwhile, the rest of the nations would respectfully consider and ask questions once the presenter had finished. And by respectfully consider, I mean occupy themselves by passing ‘diplomatic’ notes to other nations. Our first alliance was formed with North Korea, a partnership that would last throughout the conference. I found the proposals interesting in some cases, and painfully dull in others, though it was pretty hilarious when Australia went up offering aid to all nations who needed it, only to be asked by an increasing flood of countries why Australia had rejected their requests through notes. In fact, Australia rejected our own request for funds. Granted, they were to better supply the Taliban, but still. Jamaica pushed for a legalization of cannabis, which was criticized by a number of nations, though we as Yemen supported it.
The conference continued on Saturday, and we went straight into the committees. There were six, each with a topic (health, education, etc), and the nations were split up, with about twenty representatives in each committee. I was assigned to the health committee, and there I met...Pakistan (insert malevolent music here). The Pakistan representative (I don’t recall his name) hosted the opinion that education was the solution to health problems, and proposed a suitable idea. He wanted to place a single school in each “region” (and by region he meant continent) of about 60,000 students to house the refugees of that continent between the ages of 12 and 21. I had some questions about that. They are as follows, along with Pakistan’s oh-so-thorough responses:
Maggie: How are kids from all over a continent, take Asia for example, who were raised in completely separate cultures—often to hate one another—and speak completely different languages going to get along when they’re all thrown together?
Pakistan: We gonna teach them to speak the same language. We gonna have translators.
Maggie: Wouldn’t it be easier to put a couple schools like this in each country?
Pakistan: No, the quality would suffer.
Maggie: How?
Pakistan: No, the quality would suffer.
Maggie:...Okay. Do you have any idea how many refugees there are in Sudan alone right now? Over 60,000.
Pakistan: We can’t save everyone.
Maggie: You could build more schools—
Pakistan: No, the quality would suffer.
Maggie: How are you going to fund these schools?
Pakistan: We gonna...we gonna........we gonna ask for donations!
Maggie: From who?
Pakistan: America.
Maggie: Wouldn’t—
Pakistan: No, the quality would suffer.
Maggie: What? Well what about transporting these refugees?
Pakistan: We gonna figure that out.
Maggie: Don’t you think—
Pakistan: No, the quality would suffer.
Maggie: Do you have a brain?
Pakistan: No, the quality would suffer.
Obviously, not all the attendees were exactly brilliant. After the heated committee, we returned to proposals, upon each we would vote. Jamaica re-introduced their Cannabis idea, which failed. Pakistan suggested their world school idea, which passed, destroying my faith in humanity. To distract ourselves, Gatheru and I sent messages to other nations requesting support for our “Ramen for the Children” idea. Let’s be honest, Ramen noodles are delicious. Ramen for all! We were met with vast approval.
Other highlights included our attempted formation of the terroristic, communist YSSR—that’s Yemeni Socialist Satellites Republic—which Syria and North Korea joined with enthusiasm, asking random presenters how their proposal would benefit the Taliban, and also opposing a proposal to distribute AIDS-preventing condoms on the grounds that it was “basically a global Planned Parenthood, and did nothing for the Taliban.” Alright, so we weren’t the more academic team. But we were true to our nation, and got more than a few chuckles. Next year...college Model UN!!!