Sports: Intense competitions where the best athletes challenge each other on the battlefield, shedding blood, breaking bones, and exerting themselves to the fullest.  Each player valiantly defends his or her school with pride.  However, this is not you.  You are the backup.  As the second, third, or even fourth string, you’re sitting on the bench, waiting in the dangerous cold, fighting hunger, and fearing being called into the dangerous place called the “playing field”.  There is only one hope for survival. Follow these six key rules and you will live.  This is your handbook; your guide.  You are the bench-warmer.

Rule #1- Stay warm: This is the most important rule by far. Nothing is worse than sitting on the bench, cold and shivering.  Don’t be afraid to get close to your teammates either. Cuddle together… tight.  Snuggies may look ridiculous, but they’re the last line of defense for bench-warmers.

Rule #2- Food is your Friend: Just like watching any sporting event, it is always better with food. Preferably, you should bring a snack, but if you need to sneak over to the concession stand then by all means do it. "Go to the bathroom," take advantage of an injured player, or have a friend in the stands hook you up.  Your arsenal of ‘bench manipulation’ is limitless.

Rule #3- Stay on your toes: Every now and then, the coach will turn around to take a peek at the bench or the crowd.  It won’t be pretty if your coach catches you with a hot dog stuffed down your throat and mustard smeared on your jersey.  Our solution for you:  have a place to ditch it, only temporarily.  It is essential for all bench-warming pros to have a sneaky way to stash their food.  A bucket, backpack, or even that snuggie you brought for rule #1.

Rule #4- Be chill:  Don’t criticize those actually playing. It makes you look bitter and jealous, and will make you unpopular with your teammates. They will have a bad day, and let’s be frank, you couldn’t do much better.  Instead, go with the flow.  Stay under the coach’s eye, read what the other players are doing and have a low profile.  Keep it on the DL yo.

Rule #5- Don’t play: The team is losing. It’s 156-3. Three of the team’s star players are injured. It is your team’s worst nightmare, the worst possible situation.  It is so bad that the coach has lowered his standards to the point that you are going in.  You are now warming up, dreading the disastrous slaughter. Here’s where your drama class credit comes into play.  Grab that hamstring, quad, calf, hip flexor, Achilles tendon, or big toe, fall to the ground, and cry like a baby.  Disaster averted.

Rule #6- Comfort is key: Let’s use an average soccer game as an example.  The typical soccer game is 90 minutes long.  This means your poor, round tushie will be glued to a cold, hard seat for an hour and a half.  This is unacceptable for pro bench warmers.  In most cases, the best suggestion would be to bring a pillow as a comfortable alternative to the metal bench.  However, there may be a case when you forget that precious pillow.  Use that ‘bench-warmer awareness’ and look at your surroundings.  You will see the starters’ warm-ups littered on the ground, which will provide your tushie with maximum comfort when piled on top of each other.  This method also comes with the perfect excuse: you were keeping them warm.
 
Congratulations, you now have all the necessary information to survive as a benchwarmer.  With these skills you can battle any battle, strive through any goal, and fly to extreme heights… on the bench.