Teacher’s tall tales abound at Tabb High. Two teachers in particular churn out the majority of the suburban legends that proliferate their ways through the collective unconscious of the school. Christopher Olivo and Doug Baggett impart their wisdom in conjunction with their teaching styles.

            Olivo has developed a cult-like following known as The Shrine of Christopher Olivo. It was created Nick Amidon and Matt Mader. The organization exists mostly as a group on Facebook. It serves as a melting pot for past and present students to share their conjectures about the mythic legacy of the “exalted one.”

It should be noted that he might or might not have finished reading Marcel Proust’s In Search of Lost Time before it had even been written. He invented the “Vermonster,” a gigantic quantity of Ice Cream he alone was able to consume. In some circles, it is rumored that while skiing with Mel Gibson, Olivo received a cellular phone call from Tom Hanks, begging him to help Sting get Jerry Seinfeld out of a well. Needless to say, the conflict was resolved quickly and without incident. Finally, Olivo holds the land-speed record for riding a one-speed Mountain Bike through Running Man at 110 mph with his newborn in a baby backpack.

Doug Baggett also has quite the rapport. Growing up on a farm, Baggett disciplined himself and grew strong by wrastlin’ the hogs and the goats. Baggett tells many a tale about the polar bears he has encountered on his sojourns north. He recalls once hitting a baseball from the school’s diamond all the way to Bethel Baptist. It should go without saying that the Baggetts are the strongest and proudest family in the area, right buddy? On a final note, during his service in WWII, when Baggett single handedly retook Paris, the French named the eponymous bread in his honor (Baguette.) Baggett makes a living by writing self-help books (for such disorders as Chronic Southern Drawl Syndrome) but feels a responsibility to mold the minds and bodies of the athletes here.

Not to be outdone, Olivo (alias Godfather) published a forty six-volume encyclopedia written in first person omniscient.  He is a self-proclaimed Hispanic and speaks Spanish fluently. He knows where all the best pastry shops are in New York. His father owned a deli and made a mean pimento loaf. Olivo was paid to paint a Bruce Hornsby album cover. However, it was too good to go on such a mediocre album and such that it sits on Bruce Hornsby’s mantel.

Both men, working class heroes, exemplify the values Tabb strives to embed in its students. They will go down in secondary education history as sages and keepers of wisdom.