Grief. The emotion of being discontent by lacking physical content.

When I was fourteen, my father passed away from Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. It was a traumatic event, although it was entirely expected. My father had lived with cancer for a good ten years before his passing, an incredibly long time to go through various, often painful, treatments. During the last month of his life, it was rather obvious that things weren’t going to work out the way his continuously optimistic mindset predicted. This period of my life was full of confusion and constant frustration with the world around me.

His passing occurred toward the beginning of my freshman year. I was new to a school of multiple opportunities, none of which I could truly grasp after his death. I was admitted into Exped, went on multiple group hikes, and played tennis, yet I couldn’t enjoy such participation. I was lost to an extreme degree, embittered by the shallowness of day to day life, of which my peers seemed to enjoy. If there was ever a lack of identity in my life, it was during this period of time.

The supposed grief I was experiencing affected my school life as well, terminating any drive I had in regard to academics. I was essentially a lost cause in terms of motivation. I managed to surround myself with loving individuals that I was (and still am) happy to call friends, but I still lacked any intention to rid myself of this cloudiness of emotion—that is, until I truly grew to appreciate music.

Over time, I realized that music was the one way I could still connect with my father in a non-physical way. It all began when I started to go through his rather dated record collection. It was through his collection that I discovered great vinyl ranging from Simon & Garfunkel’s “Sounds of Silence” to Richie Haven’s “Mixed Bag”. I also found old cassette tapes of his music (he was a classical guitarist) and an old cassette of my grandmother’s singing. It was after taking in such great music that I began to find a purpose in my day-to-day life. I would often play guitar for 3-5 hours a day, listening to albums to gain inspiration, as well.

Possibly the main reason why I became so passionate about music was because it was the one thing that I could still share with my father. I remember him trying to teach me classical guitar when I was six, despite my childish reluctance. I wish I had stuck with those lessons, as I would probably be a phenomenal player by now. I knew that pursuing a career in music would be something he would have approved, as he was a musician himself. While most people may not be able to relate, finding a common interest you shared with a deceased loved one increases the connection that was lost through that loved one’s death.

By surrounding myself with music, I began to accept my father’s death for what it was worth. It allowed me to grow as an individual and a musician, finally finding a purpose in my life. I realized I needed to apply myself academically as well, in order to progress successfully through life. While I obviously would much rather have current physical contact with my father, I believe his spirit lives on through me and my interests.

Grief is an amazing thing. It allows the process of healing through subtle discovery of oneself, while still reflecting fondly on a past individual who was a member of your friends or family. Losing someone, especially your father, is one of the worst things that can happen to a person; yet if you can make it through and look back upon that person for inspiration, you are that much stronger as an individual. I am thankful for all the time I shared with my father and how he has continued to motivate me even after his passing.

Dedicated to “José” Joseph J.I. Pochedley

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WAYS TO HELP A GRIEVING FRIEND

- Listen and accept them.
- Be honest with them. Tell the truth.
- Encourage healthy choices to help with the healing process.
- Encourage them to talk about the memories.
- Discuss with them. Let them talk about their pain.
- Be there for them. They’re going through a rough time. They need your stability.
- Show your appreciation and admiration.
- Learn how they choose to grieve and be sensitive of that

FOR MORE INFORMATION:

For more information, please see the Dougy Center for Grieving Children and Families at http://dougy.org. They help hundreds of families each month and provide information and support for those who have had a recent loss or those who know someone dealing with the grieving process.