For those of you who are wondering what those squiggly lines are that I have for my title, let me assure you that they are indeed letters. For those of you unfamiliar with the allusion, I am referring to one of the many accounts of the life of King Arthur; Le Morte D’Arthur; that is, The Death of Arthur. Some may wonder, “What does the main character of Monty Python and the Holy Grail have to do with one of my favorite cartoon characters?” I’m glad you [probably didn’t-ED.*] ask, allow me to explain.
Believe it or not, Mickey Mouse was not the first cartoon character, and especially not the first made by Disney. Before Mickey, Disney actually had several standby characters. Remember (Big Bad) Pete, Goofy’s sometimes- and Mickey’s Arch-enemy? He was created years before Mickey was, but I’m getting off-track here. The Legend goes that the Walt Disney company wanted to find a successor to their series Oswald the Lucky Rabbit (Odd coincidence, huh?), and while Walt himself was doodling on a train trip, he came up with what would become the icon of Disney. And, oddly enough, Steamboat Willy was not the first cartoon Mickey (or Pete for that matter) had appeared in, it was merely Mickey’s first sound cartoon. He had appeared in two previous ones years before.
Well, enough background, let’s fast-forward a little. We all know that Mickey has pulled the Sword of success out of its not-so-literal Stone (which is not the same sword as Excalibur, by the way), but what did he do to lose it? I’ll tell you, nothing. He’s not real, so he cannot make decisions regarding his own fate. So who makes those decisions? Why, the executives at The Walt Disney Company, of course. Like the whole Mordred escapade (of which, for the sake of decency, I will not give details), Mickey is being betrayed and killed by something he practically created. How? Again, I shall explain.
Allow me to open, once again (I really need to find another way to open a paragraph), with a question. When you turn on the Disney Channel, what do you see? You’d expect to say “Cartoons,” wouldn’t you? But, instead of seeing Mickey, Donald, Goofy, Minnie, Daisy, Pluto, or even Mario and Sonic the Hedgehog (yes, that did happen at one time), we get a bunch of tween-oriented “comedies.” Tweens (children around the age of twelve) are the new market nowadays. Teenagers, say goodbye to that hold over American culture you never knew you had, tweens have it now. Forgive me if I sound a little harsh, but these now-spoiled children (they are incredibly spoiled, trust me) decide what you watch, listen to, wear, and even drive. I can back these up, especially that last one, with cold, hard facts. Marketing researchers from clothing, music, and yes, car companies are now focusing their effort on these little monstrosities (I asked you earlier to forgive me), and their parents aren’t helping by spoiling their children.
Back to the Disney Channel, tell me what you see. Uh-huh, I was right, wasn’t I? When you’re not seeing childish “actors” overdoing every line, during commercial breaks you’re watching them embarrass themselves singing onstage. Seriously, is having to sing a requirement for being on the Disney Channel? Oh, it gets worse. You get to hear them butcher, and I mean butcher, your favorite classic Disney songs with their own (or should I say, their agent’s) pop-infused versions. If I hear Hanna Montana or the Jonas Brothers sing any Disney villain song or (Lord, please forbid) One Winged Angel, I’m going to attempt to sue but get beaten by their crack team of lawyers.
While I’m on that subject, Can anyone please make Disney STOP trying to push America‘s (apparently) favorite pop idols down my throat? And for goodness sake, please stop using the word “Rock” like it’s the new “The"--that’s getting on my nerves. Don’t get me wrong, if you actually like these artists and Disney’s not controlling your mind, I have no problem with that. It’s when you try and push it all down my throat that I get peeved and send my little minions after you, and they LOVE causing mayhem. You see, I grew up when kids’ channels were nothing but cartoons, and these cartoons were actually either funny or incredibly awesome. Try to stare down Hiro from Gundam Wing and not get a chill, I dare you. That, Dragonball, Ducktales, Gargoyles, and even Buzz Lightyear of Star Command were, and are, still great to watch (although some I haven’t watched in a while, so I can’t compare them to my standards now). To me, almost every modern cartoon/kids’ series just does not resonate with me anymore. True, it could be because my tastes have matured, but ask anyone who knows me pretty well (especially my sister) and you’ll catch my drift.
If I had any breath left, I wouldn’t be holding it (takes a breath). Anyway, to wrap things up (which in my opinion was never my strong suit), while some of you may have dissenting opinions to my article, I wish you to know that I do value and respect your opinion and I implore you to give me any responses you may have. I’m always interested in your opinion, as is the rest of the Growler Staff. Oh, and about the minions chasing you at the moment, just keep running while I eat ham and jam and spam a lot, they’ll tire out before you do…hopefully.
*[This comment was actually put in by the author, not the editor-ED.]**
**That one was, too.
[Was not!-ED.]***
***Was Too!