HAHahahahaha!

Best news of my life: Lunches are shorter this year. How does that make you feel? Oh, wait: I don’t care.  I don’t want to hear all your whining about how unfair it is that school lasts longer while your lunch gets shorter.  There’s a phrase for that: poetic justice.

You ungrateful little brats mess up my cafeteria every day.  I feel no pity for you.  If it were up to me, you wouldn’t even get to have lunch every day.  Just every other day or so, you could come to me and beg for lunch, and if I wanted to, I could feed you.  If I didn’t, then too bad for you.  Maybe then I could get a little of the respect that I deserve.

None of you understands the extent of the pain that I must toil through on a daily basis just to serve you punks.  A lot of people think that the school kitchen is just a bunch of microwaves and refrigerators.  Well, there are ovens too.  And that complicates things a lot.

Not that I would expect you to understand.  You don’t even understand the difference between a napkin and your sleeve.  I mean, really?  I work in a kitchen and I get less food on me in a week than you do over one lunch.  You are such slobs.  I don’t even know how to express my happiness and the extent of my pleasure that I have to deal with you less this year.

I like to imagine that the shorter lunch period might lead to fewer incidences of mayhem such as stupid freshmen sliding across tables on trays over a layer of ketchup.  Or kids choking on tater-tots from trying to stuff as many as they can into their mouths.  Sadly, you high-schoolers are remarkably adaptive, and I’m sure will soon come up with quicker ways of ruining my day. And the food that I prepare for you.

OK, so it’s only a few minutes each day, but there are so many better things that I can do with those few minutes than have to deal with you kids.  Things like counting to one thousand, watching my toenails grow, breathing, not breathing.  Get my point?

Those few minutes each day really can make a difference.  This year I will no longer have to spend five minutes dealing with the moron that’s allergic to absolutely everything that we serve, but refuses to take my word for it.  Was this manufactured within 10 miles of nuts? Yes.  Aww, well, was this manufactured within 10 miles of nuts? Yes, they were all made in the same place.  Aww, OK, well, was this manufactured within 10 miles of nuts...

I just wish someone would appreciate what I do for the world.  I sacrifice my dignity to put up with loud, annoying kids.  I don't have to do this, but I do it anyway because somebody has to.  People should realize the power that I wield as a school chef.  All food passes by me before it goes to students.  If I had swine flu, the school could go down with me.  Then lunches would be nice and relaxing.

So now I hear kids complaining about the new schedule, and I don't pity them.  No, they're getting what's been coming to them.  These are their just desserts.  They’re just, pre-packaged, frozen, transported, stored, reheated desserts.