Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 20): Something unfortunate (fatally unfortunate) will happen to you concerning lots of water (fatal amounts of it), one over-sized (to be politically correct) panda, a pair of used headphones (with fatal diseases on them), and a carrot.

Pisces (February 19- March 20): You will go out to a fancy dinner, but unfortunately it will also be your last. You’re going to choke on one green olive, and unfortunately, no-one in the room will know the Heimlich maneuver. You know what the mafia says, “you’ll be swimming with the fishes.”

Aries (March 21-April 19): You will be on an unfortunate yodeling trip in the Alps with your estranged cousin. Whilst yodeling, your voice cracks so high and loud, it creates an unfortunate avalanche. But you fortunately survive. Unfortunately, your cousin does not.

Taurus (April 20- May 20): Out on your Aunt’s farm, you decide to take a trip over to the bull pin. Thinking you’ll have a fun time, you start to throw rocks at the unfortunately angry bull. Unfortunately, the gate to the pen was left wide open. You are also wearing red. That’s unfortunate.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): You have just one unfortunate thing going for you. You’re unfortunately going to have a schizophrenic episode. You start fighting with yourself and the random lampshade beside you. Let’s just say – you don’t win. Another unfortunate case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Cancer (June 22- July 22): Well, this is going to be incredibly ironic.

Leo (July 23- August 22): At an unfortunate trip to the zoo, you find yourself in a bit of a pickle (or banana). You drop your slushy drink into the rabid monkey habitat, and as thick as you are, you jump in after it. But fortunately, it’s not the rabid monkeys that kill you. The lion gets to you first. (Did we mention it shares a cage with the rabid monkeys? Well, it does.)

Virgo (August 23- September 22): You are a really unfortunate person to be right now. There’s a horrible, raging fire that swallows and burns down your school! But fortunately, you live. Then a disastrous, destructive, demonic, cloud of locusts attacks you on your walk home from your smoking school! Fortunately, you survive. And then as if it couldn’t get any worse, you’re forced to listen to K-fed’s new CD WHILE The Simple Life airs a new season WHILE Russia launches a nuke at us, directly at your home! But fortunately, you prevail … again. Then you unfortunately choke on a popcorn kernel and die (hey, don’t ask us, we didn’t predict it, we just typed it up).

Libra (September 23- October 23): For some reason you thought it would be funny to yell ‘BOMB’ in an airport. Unfortunately, you only live to see the vicious pack of bomb squad dogs running towards you. Good job.



Scorpio (October 24- November 21): While traveling through the Sahara Desert on vacation, you unfortunately find it very difficult to find a rest stop. Unfortunately, you were never told how hard it was to find water in very dry and hot unfortunate places. You were also never told what mirages were. To make a small story short, you end up swallowing ten gallons of sand by mistake. You are not saved, for you were also never told that not very many people reside in the Sahara Desert (much less vacation there).

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21): Over the break, your mother decides to make you take clogging lessons “for fun”. Unfortunately, you have two left feet (literally) anyways, and dancing isn’t your strong point, let alone dancing in clogs. You trip and fall, and unfortunately, none of the other students in your class see this, and clog right over you, smashing you into the floor. If you had survived, we would have suggested origami lessons (even with the chances of the dreaded paper cut).

Capricorn (December 22- January 19): This is your lucky month. After winning the lottery, you spend a week in Paris, shopping and living the life. Then you go for brunch with the Queen of England, of which afterwards you are invited to dinner with an elite celebrity (oh, Leo!). Everything is going your way … that is until you step on a rusty nail and get hepatitis B. You die soon afterwards.