Let me begin this article by clearing certain things up. While this is an entirely true article and I am considered by many to be the foremost expert on this topic, I am only one man, and therefore my opinion can only be considered theory, even though I regard it as fact. Also, I generally hesitate to follow political correctness, so I will try not to offend anyone through my language, even though I do use words such as “chicks.”

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for man to seek out a counterpart of the opposite sex (this may even work on same-sex connections, although due to lack of experience I cannot be certain), said man should follow my directions to a tee.

The approach is the most crucial part in the beginning of any successful relationship. DO NOT falsely advertise yourself as a gentleman. Be sure to use phrases you wouldn’t hesitate to use in front of your guy friends, such as “You look bangarang,” or, “I’ve been staring at you for like three hours.” If she doesn’t react well to these comments, she is using the commonly practiced “hard-to-get” maneuver. Be certain to pursue her regardless of her reaction to your opening statement.

Once casual conversation has been struck up, the next step is to get yourself a date. Make sure to choose a place where both people will feel comfortable. There are really only two options here: the movies or your basement. Delivery is crucial. Tilt your head, arch your eyebrow (only one), and stare directly below her neck (girls hate it when you look them in the eye; it can be intimidating).

If you have followed my directions so far, you are either preparing for a night at the theater or getting ready to answer the doorbell any second. Let’s assume you took the movie option, and I’ll start from there. Do not buy her ticket; girls are independent beings, and they love to spend their own money. Actually, I usually head to the bathroom right before I get to the front of the line, giving her the opportunity to pay for me. Side note: Do not allow her to make you see a chick flick. She will spend the whole movie crying, and you don’t want to have to deal with it. In case she does choose a girly film, bring a Game Boy to kill time appropriately.

This method has been practiced and perfected. What I have given you here is a surefire way to get yourself some Valentine’s Day love. And if this doesn’t work, maybe go back to playing Halo; I guess girls aren’t for you…yet.