A fatally infectious disease is spreading across the nation. More contagious than first suspected, it has taken America by storm, infecting millions and leaving the few miraculously unsusceptible cowering in its wake. No, I’m not talking about Swine Flu – I’m talking about vampires. Fictional, God-awful vampires.

They couldn’t just spare us with Twilight. Like some monstrous thing from the deep, Edward Cullen is trailing his vampiric slime all across the globe, turning everything into a sparkling, cacaphonic vampire mania.

Vampire Diaries, Vampire Beach, Vampire Academy, Vampires Kisses: just a few titles found in the Borders recommended section. Seriously, one could only imagine them as precursors to romance novels; what speaks of your literary intelligence if you stoop to ride the undead coattails of Edward Cullen?

Not only is Twilight sticking its sickly tendrils into my beloved Borders, which set up not one but four Twilight stands, action figures and all, the Cullen crew is taking over the mass media.

True Blood, a novel-turned-show, is "the cable network’s most popular series since ‘The Sopranos’ and ‘Sex and the City,’" reports the Associated Press. "The HBO series also benefits from proximity to... [the] much-anticipated release of the ‘Twilight’ movie."

According to USA Today, New Moon, the sequel to the grossly popular film version of Twilight, is slated to be released on November 20th, just eight months after the start of its filming. The third installment, Eclipse, already started filming on August 17th and will finish by October 31st, a time slot of about two months. The filming times just keep shortening, as producers hurry to cater to the demands of the almighty fangirl. If slow and steady wins the race, why are Twilight producers sacrificing quality for quantity?

Even reputable authors slam the series for its lack thereof. In an interview with US Weekly, Stephen King, a recipient of the Medal for Distinguished Contribution to American Letters from the National Book Foundation in 2003, says, "Both Rowling and Meyer, they’re speaking directly to young people... The real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephanie Meyer can’t write worth a darn. She’s not very good."

Darn right she isn’t. As an HP fan, I can only feel love for the woman who gave me the series that grew up with me, a feeling billions worldwide will surely sympathize with. To her superior writing and vocabulary, various themes and interweaving of classical mythology, she’s just, well, better. I would deem anyone who considers Stephanie Meyer a better writer – a woman who knows no variations to the word beautiful – a lying twit, but ignorance is a fault I’ve learned to ignore.