It’s been three years since "I Just Realized…" debuted in the Mainstream for the first time, and it’s been quite a ride, both for you and for me. If it weren’t for my monthly insight (the term being used loosely, of course), my faithful readers wouldn’t understand the underlying science of slacking, have had the best and most successful summer ever, or know that they will face lawful punishment for getting a moose drunk in Alaska. So, I will use up the miniscule amount of space that Mr. Woodward carves out of our humble periodical to give you my own, unconventional, original advice. Take it at your own risk.

Does the early bird really "catch the worm," or do "good things come to those who wait?" How can two overly-used, supposedly practical clichés completely and totally contradict one another? My theory on this probably-not-debated issue stresses that people use these little phrases to get exactly what they want and sound intelligent while doing so.

I am not a stranger to being told "that good things come to those who wait." In fact, my parents say so every five minutes. I am a nag, and willing to admit it. However, I can also be the laziest person on earth and am frequently told that I can only flourish from getting ahead in the form of an annoying predator-prey analogy. Instead of telling me to stop being annoying or to get off my lazy bum and not procrastinate (or as I creatively refer to it; "improperly setting my priorities in order"), they take the easy road out and pretend like they’re "seasoned" and "full of wisdom."

If you’re having as much trouble following this as I am trying to rediscover my intended point, you’re probably about as lost as anyone who discovers that Teddy thinks he will get a date to Homecoming after reading his side of "Battle of the Sexes" (Mainstream Page 6). Keep in mind that I am approximately four minutes from missing a deadline and will suffer consequences, most likely Mr. Woodward’s not-so-clever mockery (he claims that it is "all-too-needed"). Which brings me to my point (yes, I finally found it): you can be too early and you can be too late, but you can never be "too on-time." The other point that I am trying to make is that people manipulate clichés to get what they want. I googled this little idea of mine and learned that I can also "fix a cliché by evoking it without evoking it." Despite the fact that I have no idea as to what that means, I told you I find the coolest things and give the best advice.