A new, groundbreaking product has just been introduced to the American public, and trust me, you do not want any part of it. It is a 5 pound, $1400 metal box that is being installed in venues all over the country, and it is called The Mosquito. For $1,400, you would think that it does something incredible, and it does. It repels teenagers.

By emitting incredibly loud and headache-inducing buzzing, which sounds a lot like a mosquito flying inside your ear, it quickly disperses people ages 13-25 from the surrounding area. It targets us by making these buzzing noises at a high frequency that only we can hear, because as people get older, their ears lose the ability to hear those high pitches.

A couple of years ago, a very popular ring-tone designed in a similar way was introduced, and it spread through students’ phones like wildfire, because it let the user know (so they could ask to use the bathroom) when someone was calling or texting them, leaving their teacher clueless.

Now, this technology has been modified for use against us. It is being installed in apartment and hotel lobbies, department stores, and mini-marts to prevent shoplifting, drug use, and just the general mess a few our age make everywhere they might go.

Still, isn’t it stereotypical to assume that because some people in our age group cause trouble, all of us will? That would be like completely banning legal immigrants from coming to America with the excuse that none of them will learn English. That kind of logic just does not work!

Yet, our government does not seem to be doing anything about the projected trouble and countless migraines this is sure to cause young people all over. So expect to hear noisy buzzing in more and more places over the next few months. Just don’t expect to be rid of it, because this is one mosquito you cannot swat.