Meeting your girlfriend’s parents is one of the single most nerve wracking experiences ever. After watching “Meet the Parents,” I walked in the front door of my girlfriend’s house looking around for an ICE (in case of emergency) exit.
While having her father scour the entirety of my existence with a fine tooth comb and magnifying glass for anything he does not like sounds like a jolly good time, I think I already have plans to stare at the sun until my eyes bleed. Seriously, some of the stories I have heard, and even seen first-hand from my own family, make me cringe.
When my sisters brought home boys, even before casual greetings that normal people would use, my mother just skipped to the good stuff.
The first thing she asked one of the poor fellas my sister brought home was, “Hey, are you a virgin?” To be honest, when I went to meet her family, I was expecting a family much like my own, with zero boundaries and their unfiltered thoughts coming out of their mouths.
In my opinion, there are three steps to meeting her parents, and two different ways it could go. The first step in both scenarios is the first impression, which includes shaking hands, trying to remember names and figuring out who is watching you and from what angle. In most cases, her mom and dad are the ones you really need to buff up your chest for and impress.
Then you have her grandpa: the fun loving guy who, for a nice change, actually wants to like you. Although, “I’m going to make sure grandpa is still kicking” is not recommended as an escape from a topic you have nothing to say about.
Meeting her cousins is just like meeting new friends, except these friends are the quiet little voice in the back of everyone’s head saying yay or nay. Making sure you are friendly with them is crucial to success. Their power comes in numbers, because in most cases there a quite a few of them.
Step two is where the two scenarios split into two separate paths. While one path leads you to a long and healthy relationship with nice afternoon tea to catch up with her family, the other sends you on your way, out the door, trying to avoid driving down that same street ever again.
The second step is fitting in, getting to know all however many of them on a deeper level, all at the same time, within a few short hours. Joking around with them is something you cannot avoid doing, but no matter how you approach it, murky waters surround it.
You do not know who loves J-Beibs or who has a man crush on Ryan Reynolds. You cannot just start making jokes as you normally would around your friends. You will realize that you do not understand their inside jokes, they do not understand yours. Note to self: no cancer, death or lesbian jokes.
The bad scenario goes something like this. You make a joke that someone finds insulting, and once you realize this, you try to fix it and end up digging a hole deep enough to serve as your soon to be occupied grave. It is as simple as that.
If you start throwing around insulting comments, you will be out that door faster than Tim Pawlenty was out of the race for the republican nomination. Never heard of him? Me neither. If this happens, then you have one more thing in common: you are unprepared and inexperienced.
I found their inside jokes to be funny, and I almost fell out of my chair laughing so hard at one of them, even though I had no clue why it was funny. Looking back, I realize how awkward that must have been, because laughing at jokes you do not understand is hands-down weird.
If you make it to step three, it is easy sailing from there. Now you get to spend some time with a most likely amazing group of people, just getting familiar with each other. Once I thought they had taken a liking to me, I could then speak of my interests. Being asked why I like Ultimate Frisbee is greatly preferred to having my sexual history inquired about.
Turns out, I had nothing to worry about, I ended up with the nicest family, laughing, joking and having a great time getting to know the people almost as awesome as my girlfriend herself. I still do not understand why Alec got the special plate, but that is okay with me. It is just another joke I probably should not have laughed at.