I like kids. I do. I know any phrase starting with “I like…,” is probably hard to believe coming out of my mouth, but it is true. However, I do not know if I will ever have children and, if I do, it will be a good 15 years before I get cooking. Maybe not that long, but at least not before I am done being a kid myself, which could be a very long time.
I have probably lost all of the male population by now, as well as anyone else who thinks I am about to go off about how adorable toddlers are but, I promise, unlike most of my columns, I actually have a point to make.
A trend that I have noticed recently is that more and more teenage girls are getting pregnant or having pregnancy scares. Maybe it is just that I was oblivious to it before, but even so, I think my point carries weight – just like all the teenage mothers will.
My solution to this problem is not to stress abstinence or contraception in schools and churches. It is not to cut down the number of TV shows that promote sexual activity. My solution is more hands-on.
Here is my suggestion: as soon as girls, and boys for that matter, turn 12 or 13 – old enough to take care of children without killing them, but young enough that they hopefully have not started having sex yet – make them take care of multiple young children for a week with no help other than a house with adequate food and children’s supplies (toys, diapers, sippy cups, etc.). I swear to God, with this technique, no teenagers will ever neglect to use contraception or stay abstinent well into their twenties.
I spent the last 48 hours babysitting two children under the age of five. I had to feed them, bathe them, dress them, entertain them, clean up after them, put them to bed, change their diapers and do a whole slew of other gag-inducing activities for them.
I feel obligated to share with you that I am a pro-babysitter, so none of these tasks are exceedingly difficult; regardless, every time I babysit, especially for extended periods of time, I am again convinced of how little I want to have children.
Take a look at my experience to understand why:
I have washed my hands probably 15 times since I changed the little one’s diaper, and they still smell like poop. Every time the kids touch me, I feel like I need to take a shower. I do not think anyone really realizes how entirely vile children’s hands are. They play in the mud, and they pick their noses, and they touch their feet, and they touch horrible places on themselves and their pets, and then do you know what they do? They put their hands inside of their mouths. Inside of their mouths.
They suck on their fingers, and they grab food and lick it off and they touch and taste things that should never be tasted, like candles and toilet water. Or, alternatively, they will touch any part of you they can reach. May God have mercy on your soul should they be able to get to your face.
Besides seeing all of these awful things, you are also ruined physically. I was so tired yesterday I went partially blind in my left eye. Not kidding. I had a headache for eight hours straight. I can not imagine having one for 18 years. Also, if you think you will have time to do anything on your own, think again. I have barely been able to shower.
If you are lucky, you will get a break when they go to the neighbor’s house or to a birthday party. But do you know what you will spend that break doing? Cleaning. Or doing homework.
You would think you would have a little time after you get the kids to bed. Nope. Maybe you are able to watch a half hour of TV, or you can do a little more cleaning, but trust me: you are more ready to pass out than the kids are.
Do not get me wrong, I really do like babysitting. It is actually fun sometimes and it is refreshing to be around people under the age of 10 as opposed to the 40-something, made-of-plastic, Cherry Hills moms who harass me at my regular job and look at me like I do not know what an Acura is when I tell them their coupon that they really do not need expired yesterday.
However, as much as I adore these miniature humans who cannot blow their own noses, they are not so cute after several hours. In fact, they are scary. Terrifying even. Terrifying enough to scare
teenagers into abstinence.