Choosing the right college can be tough, especially when that college isn’t DVC.
I myself was torn between several choices: Berkeley, UCLA, UC Davis, Harvard, Oxford, Hogwarts, Princeton and St. Cecelia Academy Catholic Girls Preparatory School.
However, just a few months ago, I discovered a very exclusive and lucrative college through a private e-mail addressed specifically to me.
The e-mail reads: “Dear Griffin, you have been specially selected to attend Fauxworth’s Academy of the Education. Out of thousands of possible applicants, you were chosen. Congratulations!
“Fauxworth’s is a multi-ethnic, character-building campus with great staff and dining. We have many opportunities for you to expand your horizons, widen your perspective, and gigantify your opportunities. We look forward to seeing you in the fall! P.S. Now is a great time to tour our campus.”
They even used my first name, so you can tell they mean business. Strangely enough, the e-mail was incorrectly placed in my “spam” folder, but luckily I saw it.
I felt so thrilled that a college as mysterious as Fauxworth’s chose me to attend.
I now realize that colleges like Berkeley let any schmuck in, but Fauxworth’s uses a very personal and specialized system of enrolling students.
It’s so exclusive most people haven’t even heard of it.
That’s why I highly recommend Fauxworth’s Academy. It’s located in the beautiful and secluded mountains of Alabama and, according to their Web site, over 9,000 students are currently enrolled.
On the downside, it is a bit expensive. It costs around $10,000 per quarter, but it’s worth it to further my education at such a fantastic campus.
The tuition payment process is very revolutionary. You just put the cash in an envelope and send it straight to the dean!
I realize many of you have already made up your minds about which college to attend, but it’s never too late to change. In fact, that’s Fauxworth’s motto: “It’s never too late to change!”
Even better, Fauxworth’s Academy of the Education repeatedly sent me the same e-mail for about a year, just to make sure that I received it. You can tell that they really care about their students.
I have a great feeling about Fauxworth’s and I would be severely devastated if somehow my highest expectations about it were not met.