On March 19, the most important article ever written was printed in the San Francisco Chronicle. The headline read: “Wife Declares $43 million isn’t enough.”
The article describes the divorce settlement of a countess and the former chief executive of United Technologies Corp.
In the article, the countess claims that, because she spends $57,000 a week (the amount many people make in a year), her original divorce settlement of $43 million would not be enough for her to survive, seeing as she would burn through the money in a mere 16 years.
The article, which was read by Barbara Foss in my stupendous English class late last month, drew snickers from my fellow classmates.
I, however, remained silent. I found nothing amusing in the poor countess’ tragic money predicament.
The article included a list of the countess’ expenses, based on weekly spending. The list included: $4,500 on clothes, $1,000 for hair and skin care, $1,500 for restaurants, and $8,000 for travel.
I see nothing extravagant about these numbers. Never mind that none of the woman’s spending includes charity donations. We can’t all be Oprah-posers.
A question I am often asked is what I would do if I won the lottery. Now that I have read this all-important description of the countess’ monetary struggles, I would of course follow her lead and spend all the money on myself.
Who, after all, is as fabulous as I am? It is obvious that no one deserves the money more than myself. Why not, as the countess has done, ignore all the starving children, numerous cancer patients and thousands of people worldwide, lingering on the brink of death, who could be saved by a mere $200? Because the countess has tons of money, she must know what she’s doing.
Some people might describe the countess as “selfish” or “spoiled,” or perhaps even as “self-centered,” all of which are blatant lies.
In reality, Oprah and the countess couldn't be any more similar. Both work extremely hard to assure the most deserving people in the world are inevitably rewarded. The only difference between these two women is that the countess spends her money on truly important things.
True, some hippies cannot understand why anyone would indulge their materialistic desires as the countess does. But money really can buy happiness, in spite of what the hippies insist. The countess is surely the happiest person in the world.