Walking into school, with a thousand people all around, some people are nervous from being in a new school, starting a new year, and having new teachers. However, some, like me, feel over powering anxiety -- even panic.

Doctors term this condition social anxiety. It can cause nervousness, feelings of unworthiness, low or no self esteem, and depression. It prevents me from functioning in normal situations, and in events such as dances, and places with crowds of people. It can also cause panic attacks, where I fight to breathe because I’m so scared of the situation I am in. These “attacks” makes it so that a simple task, like going to the drive-through window, paralyzes me.

Walking into school that first day, I immediately felt eyes on me. People were laughing, and I knew they were laughing at me. I instinctively edged towards the side, and tried to make myself invisible, until I noticed my friends. All during classes, it was the same; I felt that everywhere, everyone was laughing at me, making fun of how I look, how I act and how I dress. In fact, during second period, in math, I had panic attacks that were so severe, I had to change my entire schedule.

I haven’t gone to a dance since I was a freshman, I haven’t been on a date, and I haven’t been to anything other than the sports games I participated in and an occasional basketball game. During the middle of the summer, I sank into a depression and was worse off than I usually was, as people who know me could testify. I felt that nobody could ever love me, that I was useless, a freak, a person that people liked to have around just so they could say, “See, at least I'm not like him.”

Thankfully, during that time, I had friends I could count on, who, when I felt like quitting, made me want to start again. I was put on antidepressants, as recommended by my doctor, which made my condition slightly better, but I still have trouble in crowded conditions.

School has been a real hassle for me. Now that I can’t walk outside due to the construction, I’m pushed into a sea of people that makes me want to scream. Because of the crowded conditions in the halls and classes, by second period I’m a wreck.

There’s nothing quite as diminishing to my ego as to be 6’1”, 255 pounds, and shrinking back from a person whose half my size. Or, to be so anxious over something as trivial as walking into a classroom, that I break out into a cold sweat and shake. It’s hard to be a senior in a school with over 1000 people in it, and I can’t imagine how hard it will be in college.

The way I cope is by being in classes with people that I feel some comfort in, and leaving the class sometimes to calm myself down.

Hopefully, I’ll get over this soon; there’s too much in life to enjoy to be paralyzed in fear over the trivial stuff.