Highlander
When you can't eat anymoreMonday, November 11, 2002 By Annie Matsko
It’s Thursday, the week after Thanksgiving, and as you walk down the stairs to the kitchen for breakfast, you smell something wonderful. “Did Mom treat me to a special breakfast?” you wonder. Your nose picks up the scent of pancakes…mmm…and meat. Sausage? No, it’s too bland for sausage, it’s not sizzling loudly enough to be bacon… Realization strikes as you enter the kitchen. The meat you smell is not a side dish. “Mom, you made turkey pancakes?” “Yes, dear, and I’m heating the gravy—I thought you might like to use it instead of syrup.” How were you to know that your two ravenous cousins weren’t planning to attend Thanksgiving dinner and that Aunt Anne, the big eater, had decided to become a vegetarian when you ordered the 21-lb. turkey from Giant? Turkey might be your favorite meat, but finding it in leftovers three meals a day is going to put you over the top. If there are lots of leftovers at your house, you need to find venues besides your mouth for the big bird. Do you know that pain you get in the arch of your foot if you’ve been running a lot in gym class or are actively participating in sports? Many athletes buy pads to cushion their soles and remedy the ache, but face it, with the winter holidays coming, you’re saving up to buy presents. You have no spare cash for footpads! The alternative I suggest is to insert those long, narrow turkey slices into your favorite pair of sneakers and walk around. If the turkey’s been cooked just right, it should give you the perfect combination of support and comfort—just don’t tell the Sports Authority that my ideas are stealing their business! If you’re more academic than athletic, a turkey pencil holder will probably be more useful to you. To make one, all you have to do is stack a bunch of turkey trimmings in a pile about as big as your fist, supporting it with toothpicks if you’re afraid it’ll tumble, and stick your pencils and pens in (point-side down works best to initially penetrate the meat). It’s way cooler than the soup can you covered with Popsicle sticks and glitter in preschool, though Mom may not agree. When the meat starts to go bad and change color, you can paint a pretty design on it to keep it looking fresh. There’s nothing to do about the smell, but hey—at least it will keep people clear while you’re trying to study! The aspiring (but not quite there yet) musician should know that when wedged into the crack under the door, turkey is great at muffling sound. A sound-proof room equals no more complaints from parents and siblings! Turkey can also be used as a sponge to clean your kitchen (notice how it always soaks up the cranberry sauce!), to plug up your tub if you want to take a bubble bath and have lost the real drain plug, as a carpet (but only if you’ve got enough to cover the room), or as a cruel alternative to coal in someone’s Christmas stocking from Santa. And, if a teacher ever tells you that a paper you’ve written is no good, that it lacks substance and that you’ve failed to get to the “meat” of the issue, you know what to do… |