EditorialBeautiful Superior For National LeadershipTuesday, April 01, 2003 By Saul Wyner
Recent questions into the corruption of state representatives and other government officials have brought attention to the appointment of officials and authorities. Our current systems of appointment on the basis of merit and skill have failed us, as officials throughout history have had a seemingly innate tendency to be corrupt and unfair. We must amend this situation by placing the reins of power in the hands of those who have proven that they are incorruptible, just, kind, fair, and never lie or work for ulterior motives: the incredibly beautiful. Instead of appointing fogey old men to betray us once again, why not put in the super attractive? Tired of dopey conservative policy? Instead of the wrinkled Bush Jr., imagine the policy made by the hunky Tom Cruise, or pretty-boy Leonardo DiCaprio. Not only would foreign policy be crafted by the most careful, immaculately-manicured hands, but female Americans would be motivated by eyefuls of beefcake at every State of the Union address or benefit dinner. Men would not have to be left out as well. It is very easy to see Christina Apple-gate as the new Secretary of Defense, competently announcing the latest battle news and reports at press conferences while wearing fatigue cutoffs that set off her legs just right, or Pamela Anderson, announcing bombings while displaying her own pair of “100,000 megaton armaments.” Many might voice the complaint that perhaps selecting on the basis of physical appearance would have the effect of putting the most mentally deficient individuals in the world in control of our every move. This is an obviously prejudiced and unfair statement, just like the many horrible jokes directed at those of us lucky enough to be natural blondes, and has caused many a tear at late-night sorority sleepovers. There is no connection between geek-iness and ugliness to intelligence; one only has to look at the beautiful and talented individuals who, set off with a pair of glasses, play the super intelligent in almost every movie or television series. Also, natural selection has made us prefer the gorgeous for mating, and one only has to look at the intelligence and competency of the general public to see the benefits of such hereditary inheritance. All of these ironclad facts only lead to one inevitable conclusion for the human race: the appointment of rulers by their physical beauty. Fashion analysts could replace political pundits, and all United Nations meetings could have a glamorous red carpet pre-show. It would herald a new golden age, one with color-coordinated lipstick and pink chiffon, and we can… uh, I mean the beautiful can, rule fairly with the strength of a elegantly-tooled suede fist, as opposed to an iron one.