The Oscoda Sentinel
Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide.Tuesday, April 24, 2012 By Nickohl S.
Congratulations! You have found yourself in the middle of a zombie apocalypse! What’s your prize, you ask? Well, more than likely death. I will present you with knowledge on the zombies, in hopes that you will survive. If you follow these steps, you’ll find me. Right now, we know one thing: severing the spinal cord re-kills them. This is you right now: You’re analyzing your situation at hand, and you see all types of zombies. To your left, you see a green grunter. He’s not very violent, but enough to creep you out. His green skin is eery and he almost looks scaly. He slowly walks towards you with a loud, “GRRRRRUAAAHHHHHHRRRMMMMMMMM.” On your right, you see a smelly slimer. This zombie has his guts oozing out uncontrollably. What used to be his small intestine is dragging on the ground, leaving a blood stained trail behind him. The smelly slimer is stumbling along, trying to gang up on you with the green grunter. None of these are a threat. Not yet, at least. The radioactivity in the Earth’s atmosphere hasn’t completely gotten to them. There’s still a few more stages to go through. Start walking a little faster, now. Next, the runners will come. The runners will, well, run at you. You might think that they’re not going to get you, but they will. They run faster than a human being can. The radiation has changed their muscles to almost superhero-like. Do you think you’re safe yet? You shouldn’t. You haven’t met the worst kind of zombie. Please tell me you have experience with hunting, or at least killing anything. At this point, I’d take an ex-murderer. Since you’re reading this, I bet you’re in Mesquite, Texas. Just stopped by BJ’s restaurant to see if anyone was alive, didn’t you? Didn’t have any luck, did ya? Yeah, everybody is dead. Now, if you don’t watch your back, you’re going to die. Get out of BJ’s restaurant, but be careful around the door. There’s a literal team of zombies waiting for you. Look under booth number two. I left a katana there. It will kill any zombie, if you’re good enough. If not, then I don’t want you on my team anyway. Okay, listen carefully. You’re going to notice a lurker off in the distance. He’s not going to seem like that big of a threat. I swear man, these things are half vampire or something because that’s what I thought, too until it showed up right next to me in the blink of an eye. Keep the katana wielded at all times when you leave this restaurant. When you see the lurker, keep your eyes on it. Don’t just sit there though, like a sitting duck. The lurker will walk towards you, and if you sit there, the malicious mauler will get you. But I’ll explain that next. The lurker will look like a regular zombie, complete with the cliche’ Night Of The Living Dead effects. It will limp, and grunt, and it will have his hands out in the whole “I’m going to choke you” kind of way. Okay, I told you to listen before, but this time you really really have to listen. If you don’t follow my advice here you are seriously idiotic. Here is what you need to know about the malicious mauler; you think it’s going to be the most intense and scary zombie you’ll ever lay your hands on. It’s not that at all. The malicious mauler gets its name by what it will do to you if it gets its hands on you, but what it looks like. It could look like anything. I did some research, and they’re known to take form of your most treasured loved ones. They read your mind, man. They get in there and they pick at your memories until they find someone that you love. They’re probably doing it right now while you’re being a sitting duck. I’ve seen these zombies tear someone apart. It’s not pretty. Once they get close to you they scrap their look of your loved one, and that’s when they become the scariest thing in the entire world Just imagine a giant black figure with massive claws, red eyes, and blood gushing from its mouth. The muscles on these zombies are impeccable. They’re massive and they fit the statuesque zombie perfectly. Here’s what you have to do: Kill them. Kill them all then meet me at Gibson-Outpost Shooting Range. Looters haven’t gotten here yet. Here’s to you, fellow survivor.