The Hawk Eye
YOU MISSED PROM. SO WHAT?Friday, June 08, 2012 By NICK GLASS
For various reasons, this year more and more kids are missing out on the notorious, luxurious lifetime event that is high school prom. Whether it’s because you’re hurting financially, didn’t get asked, or simply because you’re an underclassman, we here at The Hawk Eye have established a five-step program for recovering from this traumatic loss. Step One: Find a more worthwhile activity. Let’s face it; we’ve all been to some kind of school dance before. Finding a better way to occupy your time on prom night should be as difficult as embarrassing yourself on prom night. Gather some friends who also didn’t get invited to prom; it won’t be a huge chore. Organize some sort of dinner/movie/Sweet Frog party; you’ll have an equally fun time and won’t trip over your own feet as much. Step Two: Count your losses. Alright, so you didn’t get to go to prom. If you had, here’s how it’d basically go down: you get to go shopping for that awesome tuxedo or dress, which ranges anywhere from $250 and up. For the sake of argument though, let’s say you just rented one and spent $100. Typically, girls can’t find a good-looking rental dress to save their lives though. Then you would get to rent a $30/hour, per person, limo which comes to pick you up that night, and your date lives all the way in Hopewell or something, adding an extra hour of driving. It ends up costing you roughly $120 for the night. You took your girl/guy out to a fancy restaurant, probably Grape Garden, and drained another $50 paying for your gigantic bowl of horrible food. You know, the kind of food Grape Garden is most famous for. You then went to prom and got photos taken for $50. You give your date the $40 rose bouquet you bought for her, and top it all off with the $20 chocolates. Overall, you’ve missed out on spending a minimum of $380, you poor, unfortunate soul. Step Three: Assert your dominance (to yourself). So you missed prom. Big deal. A high school dance with a fancy title isn’t the lynchpin of great teenage memories. Consider the other things you’ve done with your high school career. Some kids go on field trips to places all over the country, like New York, Florida, California, or Ohio. Other kids participate in awesome clubs and perform for the school, like theater, chorus, or band. Step Four: Drown your sorrows. If you’re still feeling down about yourself, this one’s pretty self explanatory, and doesn’t work for everyone, or a majority for that matter. My advice? Two words: ice cream. Step Five: Realize what you’re missing out on. It’s prom. It’s a school dance. Just like homecoming, or that St. Patrick’s Day dance you went to in the sixth grade. No matter the extended cost, it’s still the same experience. Lots of terrible pictures of you that get posted on "Facebook" by your parents, awkward physical contact and dedicating yourself to the act of pseudo-charisma. Even if you’re not socially awkward, it’s still overcompensated by tradition. You pick up/get picked up by your date, eat, engage in some dancing, partake in some small talk, and then go home. Feel free to replace that last action with whatever you actually do after prom is over.