Death is a natural part of life, and everyone has dealt with losing a loved one or has had a friend who experienced a loss. Although you may care greatly about your friend, it can be tough to know what to do or say when they are grieving. You can never take away the pain of their loss, but you can show your friend that you care and are there to support them.

What to say

PL South counselor Pat Terry says it’s natural to feel helpless and awkward when trying to comfort a grieving friend, but don’t let that discomfort prevent you from reaching out. According to the American Cancer Society, you should be honest in your communication with them. The group recommends using this statement: “I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know that I care.” 

Being a person your friend can lean on can be comforting to them. Express your concern by telling the person, “I’m sorry for what has happened to you. What can I do?” 

The most important thing is to show them that you are there for them and willing to help.

Junior Rachel Iseminger lost her grandmother last year and said not many people tried to support her.

“Maybe if they had tried to talk to me about it, or even just said that they are sorry it happened, could have helped,” Iseminger said.

Sophomore Allie Trefz, who lost her grandfather last year, said she also was disappointed in people’s response to her loss.

“They could have been supporting and just talked to me about it,” Trefz said.

How to listen

Sometimes all a person needs is someone to talk to and know they’re being heard. Helpguide.org says, despite discomfort, you shouldn’t avoid talking about the deceased: “The bereaved need to know that their loss is acknowledged -- that it’s not too terrible to talk about it, and their loved one is not forgotten,” the website says.

Freshman Brad Pelham, whose uncle passed away last year, said conversations with his father helped him cope. “My dad talked about all the good things about [my uncle],” Pelham said.

Let your friend know that it’s OK to get angry or cry in front of you. Grieving people should express themselves without fear of judgment. As their friend, be willing to sit in silence. If they don’t want to talk, don’t force them. If you can’t think of anything else, a hug can often be enough.

What to avoid

“When helping a grieving person, avoid saying things like ‘I understand’ or ‘I know how you feel’ unless you have lost someone close to you,” Terry said, adding that one can never know how another person feels, and it can upset or anger a grieving person when it appears that people are assuming how they feel.

PL South social worker Taira Masek also had words of wisdom for Titan students dealing with grief situations.

“Avoid saying, ‘Well, look what you have to be thankful for,’” she said. “They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now that’s not important.” 

According to the American Hospice Foundation, when reaching out to a person in need, statements like “You should...” or “You will...” are too directive. Instead, begin suggestions with “Maybe you could...” or “You might...”

While it’s clear to you and others that you are just trying to help, in your friend’s distressed state, it may not seem apparent. Also, never suggest that the event is behind them and it is time to move on with their lives.

“Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace,” Terry said.

Iseminger echoed that sentiment.

“It just takes time, no matter what people do,” she said.

Become involved

Be the friend who takes the initiative.

“It’s always good to ask if they need help, but you should do something for them anyway,” Terry said. 

“Especially if there are things that need to get done, like laundry or walking the dog.”

Doing something as simple as surprising the person with a flower can help to brighten the day. Offer to pick up homework, or show up with a movie and a favorite food. Don’t be afraid or hesitant to visit your friend. Being alone while dealing with a traumatic event could make the situation worse, and your friend needs you more than ever. Whether it’s a game of Apples to Apples or baking cookies together, small acts of kindness can go a long way in healing a wounded heart.

“My friends were always around to help me keep my mind off things, like playing video games or something,” Pelham said.

The grieving process takes time, but at some point people need to move forward with normal life. “If they have spent months and months sobbing, you as their friend need to take action,” Terry said. 

Masek suggests a person seek professional help if they have excessive bitterness or guilt, neglect personal hygiene, abuse drugs or alcohol, or experience hallucinations, an inability to enjoy life or constant feelings of hopelessness. If a friend exhibits any symptoms of extreme grief, Terry suggests offering to see a counselor with them.

As normal as it is to feel helpless when interacting with grieving individuals, there’s always something you can do to show you care. Whether it is being that silent shoulder to cry on, or offering a day-brightening surprise, showing someone you care can mean a lot. It means they don’t have to face their loss alone.