Posted 11/23/05
Jokes, funny stories, funny signs, funny quotes and much, much more



Jokes – Q and A

Q: Where do pencils come from?

A: Pencilvania



Q: What does Snow White sing while she is waiting for her pictures to develop?

A: Someday my prints will come!



Q: Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?

A: She ran away from the ball.



Q: Why did the jelly wobble

A: Cause it saw the Milk Shake



Q: If Crocodile skins make good shoes, what do Banana Skins make?

A: Good Slippers



Q: Why couldn't the skunk use her phone?

A: It was out of odor!



Q. What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?

A. Quatro sinko



Q: Have you heard about the amazing new discovery?

A: It's a pill that is half aspirin and half glue for people who have

splitting headaches.





Jokes – The real things!

(1)When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, some kids were walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the kids ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest placed his ear close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Surprised, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly, realizing what was happening, he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."



(2) It Will Kill You!

(a) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(b) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(c) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(d) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(e) Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.



(3)A scared, young girl and her family walked onto a boat. Unknowing how stable the boat is the girl asks "How often do boats sink?" her younger brother answered with a stern face "Only once"



(4)A painter was sailing in the Caribbean. Unexpectedly, a large storm overcame the painter's sailboat, driving it off course and smashing it into a red coral reef by a small island.

Fortunately, the painter survived. After waking up on the beach in the morning, the painter was astonished to see reddish sand and a reddish sky. Walking around in daze, the painter sees red birds, red grass, red trees, and red bananas. In shock the painter realizes even his skin is turning reddish.

"Oh noooooo!", he exclaims! "I think I've been marooned!"



(5)There were 3 men and a magic genie. The genie told them he could grant each of them 1 wish. The first man said I wish I could be a monkey and he became one. The second man said I wish I was a kitty and he became one. The third one ran to the genie and said "I wish I could be..." He then tripped and said; "Ah man!" and he stayed the way he was!



(6)When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.



Tongue twisters for you to try



I thought a thought. But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.



Mr. See owned a saw. And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw. Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.



Quotes/Funny Sayings



My mind doesn't just wander, sometimes it leaves completely

If practice makes perfect, and there is no such thing as perfect, why practice?

Nobody is perfect; I am nobody, so I guess I am perfect!

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The voices in my head are talking, and they don’t like you.

Inside me there is a skinny lady/man screaming to get out, so I shut her/him up with chocolate.

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.



Funny Stories



My cousin, Leah, is what you would call a blonde, ok, so she is blonde, but she acts it as well. One day, her dad, Ken, told her that they were going out to eat Chinese food. Upon hearing this, Leah told her dad that she loves oriental food. She then proceeded to him exactly what type of oriental food she liked such as pizza, hamburger and French fries.



Mr. Walton, an English teacher at PALCS, got an amazing gift for his birthday from his uncle, who was into the lottery and other stuff like that. It was a ticket where you scratch it off and if you get three of the same number, you win that amount of money. Walton was in a restaurant when his uncle gave it to him. Upon scratching it off, Walton found three 10,000’s. Walton then proceeded to announce it very loudly. Smiling, his uncle told him to look at the back to see what it said about where to send it to, on the back in bold letters it said, send it to yo mammas house.



If you have any funny jokes, stories, or something that just struck you as funny please send them to Abbi at jklanz@comcast.net.

Guildlines for jokes

1.

No vulgar language

2.

No suggestive content

3.

No racial discrimination

4.

No religious discrimination

If any is sent to me, I will discard them.

Remember, children read this paper too!

Thank you!